I hope the things I post here and on Twitter and Facebook don’t sound like whining or complaining or, God forbid, blaming anyone (even God) for my interesting situations.
Everything that has happened has been a direct result of a choice I made. Even if I didn’t know exactly what would happen, I still decided to do things knowing that the outcome would be anywhere on the scale of uncomfortable to terrible.
At times I’ve been very bored with life. Everything has come so easily to me, really. My parents were able to support us, I had a good primary education, my first real job was selling computers (and I made quite a bit of money for a 17 year old), my second real job was a dream — working on the air at a large radio station in Tulsa (KMYZ), then I went to college for a while, then I left college for a good job, I had my own place and I had friends. Eventually I reconnected with #1 and bought a house. I started a business and we had two kids.
Really, there’s nothing to complain about here. Very few people have had it so well.
I’m actually a pretty sharp guy about things.
Did I know there was a possibility that I would become addicted to crystal meth? Are you kidding? I planned on it. I didn’t bother smoking or snorting it. I mixed it up in a syringe and poked it into my bloodstream directly. No mucus middleman. Addiction, sure. I was so addicted, I could only calm down after using it.
I was unhappy and didn’t enjoy life and was unable to kill myself, so I thought I would just make everything worse and worse until I would have no choice but to carry out a suicide. Strangely, meth gave me a reason to live and to work.
Then one day, I couldn’t get any meth. There was a mix up at the head office and crack was delivered. So, I quit meth and started smoking crack.
Frankly, it’s amazing that people give up everything for a drug like crack which is so mild. At least it didn’t have a lot of effect on me. If you’re a skeptic, then you’ll think it was just genetics and chemistry, but I think God kept me from enjoying it and getting addicted to crack like some people do. I should say, it was fun, but I didn’t find myself needing it all the time. I could wait hours between uses.
Now, DO NOT USE THESE DRUGS. I saw several people who just had to use crack all the time and when they had it, they had to smoke it every five minutes. You don’t want that. It’s not worth that. Go outside and fly a kite.
I had two great jobs in that time. I paid child support and I paid the bills, but I spent every extra penny on drugs. That put me in a terrible situation when I lost my job — no savings — no time to get another job.
I screwed myself, but it wasn’t an accident. I knew how precarious the situation was.
The question I put before myself is why do I write this stuff for you to read?
It makes me feel better to admit all these things. I think some of it is entertaining — most of you will never experience being homeless, or using drugs, or this and that (and I hope you never do).
I have learned things along the way and I’m trying to find ways to pass on what I’ve learned.
For whatever reason, people are concerned with image and status. For that reason, I may have lost old friends and family, forever.* I’m convinced though that being completely honest will lead to new and better friends going forward.
* I just walked to the store. On the way, I was going over this in my head and realized this last statement is an incident of blaming — the very thing I said I haven’t done. By saying that I lost friends because they were concerned about image and status is passing the buck. I lost friends and family because of my behavior not because of some judgement they made about me. So, I wanted to edit the posting to point that out. I’m not perfect, obviously.
Did I tell you my Mom died? Okay, that’s the one thing that did just happen. During her decline, I got more and more unhappy. About a month before she died, I pretty much gave up any foothold I had on reality. It’s easier to live in your own reality when you don’t want to admit you’re going to miss your mother whom you spent a bunch of your life hating and loving and then hating. All the hating is gone and I love her and I miss her.
Frankly, I wouldn’t have done any of this to myself if she was alive. She wouldn’t have allowed it. 🙂
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