I’ve made all sorts of excuses for you in my head and to other people. I’ve posited that you really are afraid of me and that you think you’re protecting our children by going through all of this. I’ve also thought that perhaps you’re just a law-and-order person and will follow anything to the end, no matter the outcome or the impact on our lives.
After seeing you lie on the stand several times and tell that bullcrap story about being afraid I’m going to be around every corner waiting to kill you and the kids, I have to conclude that you’re just evil.
But you’re not even the noble kind of evil — doing bad things for the advancement of evil causes because you believe in evil ways and want to get evil done the best way possible. No, you’re the selfish kind of evil… an everyday sinner who will drag everything out to the bitter end because you feel otherwise powerless and powerlessness is the thing you fear most.
We call that a core hurt.
It’s telling that you accept Jesus Christ as your person lord and savior, thus bailing you out of the ultimate (imagined) punishment for your selfish ways.
I have done some crazy things. I have punched holes in walls. I did have a standoff with police. I have tried to kill myself. I’ve been homeless. I’ve been jobless. I’ve spent hours on end in strip bars. I’ve smoked crack.
But you know I would never, ever intensionally hurt anyone… especially you or our babies. Holy crap, #1, you were my first love… the pattern against which I measured all others for many years. In my past brain, I still love you. You know I’m a good father and you know I love those babies.
I know you’re upset about the child support I owe you. It’s like you think I have a stash of money somewhere and I’ve just been withholding it or something like that. Why would I do that? I gave you everything, willingly. Why would I stop paying child support on purpose?
First of all — it’s child support. Come on, it’s child support.
Second — the State of Oklahoma is watching everything I do. Don’t you think if I had had a way to pay the money and were not that I would be in jail? There has been no money.
Until this last fiasco in court, I was planning on paying child support until the children were adults regardless of my relief of that obligation when your husband adopted the kids. But now I’ve taken steps to stop the accrual. I’ll just save the money for other purposes for the kids when they’re older.
I know this was all made possible by that first statement and by my phone calls and emails. This is all my fault, but you didn’t have to hang me like you did. It really looks like a desperate attempt to exercise power in the only modality available.
Well, bravo, little woman — you did it well.
How’s this going to look in 20 years? I did everything within my meager power to help the children. You did everything in your considerable power to keep me from having a relationship with the children.
You do know they’re going to find me when they’re legal, don’t you?
It’s been two hours since I posted this. #1, I’m really not angry. I’m hurt and I’m disappointed. I know you put up with a lot from me and I know you didn’t like me for a long time, but I took care of you and we had a nice, clean, safe place to live and raise kids. I came home when you found ants under the phone, or wasps were in the chimney, or whenever you were getting ready to have a baby. I’m that kind of guy. 🙂 I’m begging you, please, no more.
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