My Amazing Odiferous Powers

She sniffed the air, and then took a whiff of me, and then said I smelled like cotton candy or something.

She said she loved it. She smelled me some more. Then she said I smelled like something else… also a food.

The truth is that I spent all day sweating my ass off, first outside at a cemetery, and then in my dad’s garage. I washed my face, but I wasn’t able to take a shower or change my clothes.

She’s not the first woman who said I smelled terrific. They’ve all said I smelled great. They’ve all asked me not to wash a t-shirt, or a pillow case, too often.

They all think I smell like something different, usually something they couldn’t identify. The smell was once named, “Joe smell.”

I asked Canada if she had seen the movie Michael, where John Travolta plays an angel. I told her that I was like Michael, and women always smell what they like on me.

It’s fun to think of myself as some sort of angel with magical powers to attract women, introduce lonely people to lovers, and bring dead puppies back to life.

I was thinking about the Joe Effect this morning and I’ve come to the conclusion that the answer is pheromones.

It’s not possible to actually smell pheromones. Many dispute that humans even produce the chemicals.

Pheromones are meant to communicate an emotional state or health status to another animal.

I believe those dogs that smell cancer are not actually smelling the cancer, but a signal pheromone produced by the body to indicate it’s under attack.

Since there is no actual smell, but the chemicals are detected by the same system that detects consciously noticeable smells, the brain tries to associate the emotional state being communicated with other smells that mean about the same thing. Then you get some feedback and your conscious self decides that it smells cookies, or cotton candy, or whatever.

The reason each person makes a different association is because they have completely different life experiences. One woman’s cotton candy is another woman’s cookies.

I’ve often said that I can’t understand why people cover up their natural smells with cologne or perfumes. When you do that, you’re trying to smell like someone else.

Perhaps that’s the reason though. When you use cologne, you’re trying to associate yourself with the person in the commercial or with whom you associate the smell.

If I’m a man (I assure you that I am), and I think powerful, attractive men wear Gray Flannel, then perhaps I’ll wear it too, to fool my pray into believing I’m one of the cool pack.

Actually, I used to wear Flannel, but I did it because the pretty girl who used to cut my hair said she liked it. I did get to date her for a while. What an awesome lady.

#1 wouldn’t allow me to wear it because it was worn by a past boyfriend that she said mistreated her. Recently, I’ve begun to question anything she told me about that guy because of the things she’s telling people, including judges, about me. She’s actually told people that I tried to kill her and the kids. I think perhaps she needs some sort of help.

I’m off the track. Deep breaths.

Okay, I didn’t take a shower, but I assure you I did not stink. Canada took a direct sample of my right arm pit and deemed it to smell terrific. She did smell my deodorant, mixed with whatever that smell was that she was finding hard to identify.

Pheromones, they’re what’s for dinner.