Surely there’s something I can do for my country as an agent for the government, representing the people of the United States, in some secret mission abroad, perhaps risking my life and/or my testicles, in order to advance the cause of freedom and/or the economic dominance of my Zionist masters.
My resume:
- I speak English fluently with either a non-regional accent or with a weird, non-specific European weirdness.
- I’m not afraid to try unfamiliar foods.
- Intestinal distress does not freak me out.
- Willing to bed beautiful, female, foreign agents.
- Able to tie my shoes under the influence of a number of psycho-active substances.
- I like to use tiny cameras.
- I’m exactly the kind of extreme slacker that foreign governments think they can recruit and I have the credit report to prove it.
I need a new mission in life: I’ve already made the perfect plate of nachos.
** You may be thinking that I need to stop complaining. I assure you that I don’t complain like this in public. This blog, you can ignore. I don’t pollute people’s ears when they’re kind enough to bring their ears near to me.
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