Rather than watch or read over lunch, I thought I would write the following.
Nacho Kitty.
I have a cat. She thinks she gets some of my lunch. She’s probably gotten that impression because she is usually presented with some of my lunch. I’m not sure that was a good idea.
Why blog?
I continue to type words into this thing although my reasons for it these days are completely unclear to me. It seems self serving. Heck, my posts to Facebook seem self serving at times, but at least that sort of a discussion — small talk between (mostly) friends?
At one time, this blog was written so that my children, who don’t know me, can know something about what was going on with me. Now, I’m not sure they care… and then the whole Captain Kirk thing comes to mind — always supposed to be presenting your best face forward, whatever.
This is the first time since the divorce that I’ve thought about just letting the dream of knowing my kids go… at least not worrying about repairing anything because I can’t fix it and I don’t have an opportunity to build a relationship with my children. My ex, her husband, and the children continue to ignore every attempt I make at communication, so there’s nothing I can do.
Giving up did help my general emotional state, but I still miss my kids. I want to know what’s going on with them, what they care about, how they sound.
And, again: Why blog?
This blog is a risk. It can color someone’s impression who I am today with words from whom I was. That can impact clients’ decisions.
But, it seems like being honest makes some sense.
Macaroni and Cheese?
I have a thing for macaroni and cheese. I always have. Kraft continues to be the best. Walmart’s brand doesn’t suck. This Walgreens’ “Nice” however has really wrong-quality pasta. It goes wrong.
Girlfriend?
I’m thinking it’s best just to give up on that, too. 🙂
See, “And, again: Why blog?”
Technically, I’m still married.
Putting everything online?
The novelty of someone documenting absolutely everything probably wore off in 1996. This keeps coming to mind for me because it seems like if I account publicly for every second of my day, then I’ll waste fewer seconds.
This seems like a “just grow up already” problem, but I still intentionally waste time. And, what makes it worse, is that I don’t have anything good on which to waste time… but then if it was something good, then I wouldn’t be wasting the time… I would just be slacking off to do something fun. But I don’t really have fun, so this makes no sense. It seems like the best course of action would be to always use time effectively to maximize income, rather than just listening to the drip from the shower hitting every 1.5 seconds, but if there’s no fun in doing the maximizing of the income, and there’s no fun in having the income (I mean, as long as I’m sleeping indoors and eating), then there’s really no point to having more money (with the possible exception of that day when I cannot work and I have no money in the bank).
AND THEN, when I compare the whole hassle of life against the value I have for my own existence, it all seems pointless anyway.
Yet, I’m not depressed. At least, I don’t feel depressed. I’ve been taking anti-depressants… This stuck position in my thinking is purely thinking. It’s not chemical.
What about value to others?
Yes, that’s a good point. This problem with the value of life thing is just something that I need to work out — it’s hardly a crisis — been thinking this way since I was little.
Girlfriend?
Yes, I hear you. Yes… It does make sense that a companion would improve my life… But I’m such a loner. haha I’m so selfish about having my time to waste doing nothing.
What was the point again?
See? There’s no point. 🙂
Would seeing my kids fix my life?
No.
Would having a girlfriend fix my life?
No.
Would having more money fix my life?
No.
Is there actually something wrong with my life?
Probably not. Well, except for the obvious challenges. None of my problems are global warming, thank God.
So why did I write all this?
I don’t know.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
I’d like to be a writer, except I don’t collect writing into any format for publishing or in any way that my writing can benefit me financially, so being an actual “writer” seems rather far fetched. See “Wastes Time” (oh, there’s no actually section called that… SEE!!)
Mailbox money?
I can actually computer program, yet I have the same issue as I do with writing. See “Wastes Time.” Switching from a life plan based on exploiting the talent I know I do have for something that I don’t know that I might have is ridiculous until this whole use-of-time growth happens. I’ve written before that I tend to lose interest after I’ve figured out how to do something.
I didn’t eat much of my lunch. Eventually, Nacho Kitty moved on without a taste.
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