Control

I read or heard somewhere that people frequently are unhappy to the extent that they do not feel that they are in control of their own lives.  I acknowledge that I’m unhappy because I’m in complete control of my life.  Past performance is said not to be indicative of future returns regarding financial investments, yet it’s difficult for me to ignore that the one overriding influence in everything in my universe is me — I’ve always been there and 90% of the time I haven’t been pleased with my population of one’s performance.

I’m not writing this on paper because it’s not something I’d want to be in a book.

On that subject, did I need to start another project I’m so unlikely to finish?  I don’t complete the easy projects, why would I complete a difficult one?

I did clean a computer yesterday for my neighbor, Greg.  That was a good thing.

Smoking?  Damn straight.

I noticed this morning a bit of actual jealousy creeping into my head upon seeing a guy with what appears to be a normal life.  It doesn’t matter what that life really is, what I thought it was, or what I hope mine to be, or wish it has been, or whatever.  The jealousy, so disappointing, is something I think I’ve avoided pretty well.

And, I notice now that I feel sorry for myself.  That’s pretty new.  I prefer either the delusion that all of this has been for some noble reason or the one that it will make for a fantastic finish.  I don’t actually feel that hope.  What’s most likely for my future?  Poverty in my old age.  I do, for some reason, expect relatively good health, but what happens when I can’t work?

Life would be much better if I enjoyed doing something… Anything.   I guess I enjoy eating macaroni and cheese.

I don’t think most people are unhappy and I refuse to believe that most people don’t enjoy one or more activities which they would describe as “fun.”

These are the same words I’ve written before.  These are the same words I’ve been thinking since I was a kid.

I’m dehydrated.  Well, thank God I have access to clean water.  There are happy people in the world whom do not have access to clean water… and supposedly access to the basic necessities is necessary to attain higher level of satisfaction on the more advanced, pointy end of the hierarchy of needs.

“This too shall pass,” said Cathe (often), but mom these things that pass just keep coming back.