Why Do You Live the Way You Do?

One question I have about you is Why do you live the way you do? Did you become so repulsed with the Materialists? 

I quit trying to support myself because I was sure that if life became miserable enough, that I would eventually follow through with suicide. Failing to kill myself is still one of the biggest disappointments I have in myself.

But, what happened? Once I got into survival mode, then I found that trying to survive was a nice diversion from myself… and at the times I tried to give up again I would run across something interesting enough or that I appreciated enough to just stick around for five minutes longer.

Then I decided to make killing myself tomorrow’s activity. Survival by procrastination. I had the comfort of knowing that I could always kill myself tomorrow. Of course, usually, in the morning, I’d forget about it… Or would just put it off for one more day.

In my dreams I am sometimes able to fly, sort of. It’s a weird thing because it takes A LOT of effort to do because, of course, I don’t believe in my waking life that I can fly, and I never fully realize that a dream is under my control.

Strangely I don’t fly head first, but in a sitting position, feet first.

I’ve concluded that dreams actually are NOT in my control because if they were, they’d be a lot more pornographic than they are.

And, along those lines, in dreams I almost never experience anything except sight and sound and I never feel me touching anything. But, for some reason, and only quite rarely, there is a woman and I can touch her… either a kiss or a brush of my fingertips, and I can feel it. Actual sex in a dream is so rare, I’d have to rate the frequency in terms of decades now.

That’s why I usually describe my dreams as exercises in frustration.

I think doctors would say that my dreams express my current frustrations. Businesses don’t work out in dreams because my businesses aren’t even launched in real life. I don’t drive a car with air conditioning because I don’t drive a car with reliable air conditioning now.

Although I do have dreams that are more like movies and wild stuff happens that never happens in real life. These things usually happen TO me rather than for me.

And the other day I had a nightmare where I was considering doing a horrible thing, and then saw myself in a mirror. I never see myself, or can’t remember ever seeing myself. I didn’t like what I saw… it was definitely the evil Joe.