Sex and Death 101

These shots are from the movie Sex and Death 101.  She eventually gets this guy to come along with her because she asks, “Are you gay?  Are you impotent?” and, of course, that reminded me of a funny story.

Someone tried to get me to go along with her by asking me if I was gay.  Only, I didn’t get the reference until three or four months later when I was thinking about that night.

She finally became visibly irritated, then got up and asked before walking away, “Do you like to cook?”

“Yes, I love to cook, but I haven’t cooked anything for a long time now.”

This was true of cooking and sex, but I was just talking about the cooking.

And see, I didn’t realize she was hitting on me either.

And, two nights before she said she’d give me an allowance if I’d move in with her.

And, see, she was a very rich and very very hot stripper.

And, she was addicted to cocaine (which I did not know at the time).

So, I turned down living with a very hot stripper who would pay me and have cocaine around the house.

Yes, she owns a house.

What stopped me?  Stupidity?  Yes, I was chemically brain dead at the time, but at those times I go with my guts and my guts didn’t go there.

Man, I really like her, too.  I call her Canada.  I gather I’m the only guy who bothered to listen to her accent and bothered to call her Canada.

BUT, my brain dead brain kept me from following my dick from one frying pan and into another.

AND, like seven days later I was planning on being homeless.

I knew I was going to end up being homeless because I’d recently quit the unbelievably fortunate job I’d gotten… while I was homeless.  That’s right, I quit a high paying job, that was going to get me out of being homeless.

I opted for crazy house first, homeless second, but I think being paid to have sex with a sexy woman who has cocaine and a house would have been better than counting the fart frequency of 300 homeless men sleeping in the same room.

And I wasn’t going back to sleeping in a room with 300 guys, so I opted instead, second, for sleeping under a bridge.

I slept under the bridge for 10 nights.

Days later I received an email from someone I hadn’t conversed with in like 15 or 20 years.  And the day after that email, I was on a bus for Dallas.

No, I did not have a blog.  There was no way for him to know what was going on with me.  It just occurred to him to email me.

And yes, he’s a man of God and loves His Jesus.

That’s a pretty funny story.

Here’s an interpretation: Good Job, Dead Head Joe, you avoided temptation.  🙂  I don’t think it works that way, but I was fortunate, indeed.

Anyway, I figured out why I’m so fascinated by Ryder.  No, it doesn’t have anything to do with Canada or my brain or other body parts.  Ryder reminds me of #1.  And, as you know, I love #1 (not in a creepy way).

And I love #2 — in as creepy a way as you like.  If it wouldn’t be bad for both of us, I’d be there with #2.

And I love #3 — she’s my best friend, and that’s not creepy.

And I love #4 — Kim was just promoted to #4, but the sequence doesn’t fit.   She was #’s 1.5 and 4.

I love Vivian too.  But that was all very very wrong.  Things did not progress because something felt wrong, I thought it was fear, maybe it was fear, but once again fear kept me from getting into a situation that I had no way of knowing (because I’m so trusting) was just icky.  Vivian outright said she wanted to be #4… sort of… She asked, “Vivian Number Four?”  Me always love you long time, but please don’t ever call me.  🙂

That’s enough.  I’m always CREEPED OUT by how personal this blog is… I don’t read it, yet I feel I need to write it.  There’s a good chance this blog will always be here, as long as Google’s around, because it’s in Google’s interest to try to get a click here or there, even if it’s once a decade, because it doesn’t cost them ANYTHING to host this.  And some day, someone who knows me, perhaps someone who never met their grandfather, will want to read this… and see how weird I was.

There’s another reason: When Hillary Clinton was running for President, she was able to refer people to her book rather than answering personal questions.  It’s a BRILLIANT strategy — she truly is one of the smartest people on the planet, I think, even though I hate her political views…   Answering a personal question in front of a television camera is risky… A BOOK IS ALL PLANNED OUT.

Well, this blog isn’t all planned out.  I write using my butt and my butt barely thinks at all (especially before midnight), so… I don’t have to do any personal delving to someone I might want to date… just to hear excuses or whatever if she decides I’m just too freaky.  Read my book and get back to me.

Dear Potential #5, gather this:

– You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do.
– I won’t go to jail for you or anyone (like from Wayne’s World)
– I would go to jail for you or anyone for a really good reason
– I’ve been a bad boy
– I am a great boy
– I might be rich, but I’ll probably be broke most of the time, maybe all at the same time
– If you try to tell me how to spend my money, then you’re my accountant and I don’t number accountants

That’s all bullshit.  #5 (if she’s out there) will just bump into me and I’ll know right then…