My best friend was upset about something this morning. She’s a chick, but we have more of the kind of relationship a couple of guys might have — I asked what the problem was and she didn’t say, and that’s cool. 🙂
But, it makes me feel guilty that I’m looking for reasons to make dramatic statements about how everything sucks.
Frankly, I’ve noticed, that when I’m in a bad mood, everyone around me seems to be in moods that’s are less than optimum and when I’m in a good mood people around me seem to be in moods that are better than optimum… and since everything about me, I think I’ll take responsibility for the economy. Sorry things have been so crappy — I’ve been a little down for seven or eight years… Really since the 90’s, I think. So, it’s all my fault.
You’re not reading this anyway, and I’ve just made sure you won’t return. That’s cool.
I just puked my guts out with such ferocity that I scared Nacho Kitty. She’ll recover.
You’re not reading this anyway, but just to make sure I’m going to let you know that my bathroom smells like puke.
Look, I’m perfectly aware that what you might call the afterlife is way better than this, but we’re here, it’s queer, so let’s get used to it.
It would be way better for me to invest myself in making life better for others even if I can’t make it better for myself, but the very least I can certainly accomplish is to do no harm.
Actually, with me, one has to evaluate the trends and ignore the valleys — I don’t, but I have tunnel vision — I think it’s obvious to those around me that I am invested in making things better, but I think communicating demons no one can fix for me just makes things worse.
I’ve been sick, so I’ve watched a few movies.
I watched a movie this morning about some guy going back to high school to give a commencement speech.
I don’t like high school movies… I don’t identify with high school movies. I didn’t have the same sort of experience all these trouble screenplay writers appear to have had.
I dispatched my last bully in the 10th grade. I told him he could just go ahead and kill me if he likes, but I wasn’t going to listen to any more of his crap. And he didn’t give me any more crap from that moment forward. In fact, I think he might have wet his pants. I guarantee that had he decided to do anything about it, I’d have put some sort of serious hurt on him… win or lose.
BUT OF COURSE BULLIES DON’T WANT TO FIGHT, THAT’S WHY THEY PICK ON THOSE THEY THINK ARE WEAK. IF THEY WANTED A FIGHT, THEY’D BE MOUTHING OFF TO THE OTHER GUYS.
Another of my bullies killed himself in the 11th grade. He’d stopped bullying me by then though. You know, he wasn’t really a bully. He just had a problem with me… and I had a problem with that. Anyway, he’s not having a problem with me now. (And we smile.)
Some people really, really don’t like me.
I don’t actually have any friends from high school.
I generally try not to read what I write, but I just read this line about not having friends from high school. There are people who know me, who remember me, we played together in elementary school, and we threw rocks at each other, and we partied together, but now I’m a stranger. I’m not saying we weren’t friends, and we might still be friendly, but if I needed a place to stay, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t help me out. 🙂
I didn’t have the problems these writers claim to have had. I was neither a jock, nor a brain, nor a princess, nor a whatever… I ate Ding Dongs and Coke for lunch for at least a year and I didn’t die.
I didn’t notice people at my high school making life miserable for anyone. I don’t know it didn’t happen, but I got around, and I knew a bunch of people from way back when, and there were the tough guys and there were the these guys and those guys, but we all seemed to sort of get along… at least tolerated everyone.
I didn’t get into the competition for grades… Heck, I flunked AP Chemistry and still got 9 free hours from OSU out of it. (I got a C, I think, because of the test…)
Oh, my guts.
I can be in the world’s worst mood and then hear that little woman out there singing along with something on the radio and then I feel better. When I hear her and her mommy laughing at something, I feel better.
Oh wait!! I do remember someone making life miserable for another in high school, and then making it better, and then making it worse, and then making it better, and then making it worse… I did that.
That’s not me anymore. Like dc Talk, I’ve divorced myself from the terrible person I was.
The thing with #1 in high school was a two way street, but I’m no long the kind of guy today who would dance that tango.
From the perspective of the world (me, included) I’m an unproductive person. I produce a lot of stuff that seems to be of no use for the world. I’m not sure what the purpose is.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to trust in doing just what comes next, not knowing the end game, and suspecting it won’t be a super grand thing, like freeing slaves… But it’s impossible to know the long term impact of anything we do. Maybe my lot in life is just to give someone a ride, fifteen years from now, so they don’t drive drunk and kill someone who’s destined to have a child who will free slaves. IT’S ALL PART OF THE SAME MISSION. WE CAN’T KNOW OUR PART OF THE PUZZLE UNTIL WE’RE LOOKING AT THE SHAPE OF IT ALL, FROM AFTER OURSELVES, FROM BEYOND GOOD MORNINGS, GOOD AFTERNOONS, AND GOOD NIGHTS.
You think it insane, but I sometimes feel like that kid… watched, on television, his whole life.
We all are, though. You think you’re alone right now, but you’re not. The universe doesn’t want you to be freaked out… privacy is overrated anyway and being alone actually sucks.
I won’t say why I know this, but I’ll write that I’m not supposed to have a girlfriend anytime sooner than fall of this year. I wasn’t supposed to have the last one — I attempted to go WAY off track and I tried and tried to make myself just jump off the bridge… We were discussing suicide (and not as an abstract concept).
She said something about not worrying whether or not my death would be a problem for anyone else, because I couldn’t regret causing those problems, because I would be dead.
And that statement about death being final sounded so unreal and bullshit to me, that I sort of snapped out of it. She doesn’t understand how things work. After days and days of conversation, I couldn’t find the root of the problem in her life… It hurts me that I want to be helpful, dared to want to save everyone, but can’t save her. It makes me very sad. I don’t know where she is now.
If you want to think about it in terms of God and Heaven and Hell, that’s cool. Like the engineer getting to the farmer’s daughter — it’s close enough for all practical purposes.
I think it would be possible for me to brainwash myself into being a capable and unremarkable member of society (unremarkable meaning not crazy), but I sort of took an oath not to do it… well, I took an oath to be remarkable (meaning crazy).. hehe depends on how you look at it.
I miss my babies and I’m sick sick sick that I missed all those years and little moments, but I’m trying not to cry over spilled milk, because it wasn’t spilled milk… how things went is how things were going to go. I’m glad I got to spend the time I had.
She’s out there singing again. 🙂
It’s weird. Nacho Kitty is a level 11 cat, Cosmo Dog is level 11 dog, #3 is a level 11 woman, and Bug is a level 11 small-woman. They’re all very very powerful, and the world is lucky they use their powers for good and not for evil.
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