Depressed Grandmas and Mr. Hand

Somehow I ended up following the blog of a woman who describes herself as a grandma to two 15 year old twins who has suffered from depression since she was in her teens, a condition which has gotten progressively worse over the years.  The cheerful part is that she has and is being treated with all sorts of medications and still she suffers.  Well, dandy.

This post has nothing to do with Mr. Hand.  Since you’re not here, this isn’t our time, it’s your time where you are and my time here.

I don’t enjoy anything.  My life is just an oscillation between the state of not enjoying anything and the state of not enjoying anything and feeling really crappy.

Any cheerful times in the last few years have been completely artificial, fueled by delusions of the world being as it is not.

I do experience relief sometimes — for instance if I think I have some sort of problem, like a small money problem, when it’s solved then I feel better than I did, but I’m still not enjoying anything.

Imagine if you were willing to just blow off work this afternoon, but there really wasn’t anything you wanted to do anyway.  And now imagine that you blow off work anyway.  So, now you’re not working and you’re not doing something you enjoy (because you don’t enjoy anything).  Wow, what a nice feeling.

There have been times in my life that I’ve looked forward to things and I’ve had fun, but those times are gone.

When you’ve got nothing to look forward to, then the only reason to work is just to keep eating so you can not enjoy something tomorrow.  I suppose not enjoying things inside is better than not enjoying them under a bridge.

Survival just isn’t a reason to live.

In addition to not enjoying anything, the holidays are coming up and I hate the holidays.

I’m not going to, but I’d really like to kill myself tonight — before even clicking save on this post.  I’ve said I would hold out until my next birthday.  I’m sure I’ll hold out until some natural something happens to me one day.  I can’t imagine having to stick around until I’m that grandma’s age.  What a fucking nightmare.