About My Mother

What I said about my mother beating and terrorizing me when I was little was true, but that wasn’t my mother.

No, she wasn’t possessed.

People change.

She changed.

She was never very warm to me.  In fact, the first time I can remember her hugging me since I was a teen ager was after you were born, Baby J.

She might have given me a fake hug when I graduated from high school.  I don’t remember.

We’re not the people we were in the past, we’re not what we did in the past, we’re what we’re doing now.

The frustration I feel with your mother is that she thinks I am the person she thought I was in the past and the things she thought I was she flat made up.  In other words, I did not try to kill you two and her.

It’s all about power and control.

She lost her power and her control.

It’s funny.  The classes I take because I’m supposedly so abusive (oh, I have had anger issues, but I don’t have power and control issues)…. have taught me about the way she was working.

I hope she’s not like that anymore.  She probably doesn’t have to manipulate your new father much.  He seems pretty whipped.  🙂   I put that in there for fun.

I’m sure Tim is a great dad.  Cooperating with your spouse does NOT mean you’re whipped, but guys like to tease guys like that.  I’m a teaser.  I’m a guy.

I don’t know what my mother’s trip was when I was little.  I just knew she would freak out and take it out on me and I hated her guts.  Oh, hated hated hated her guts.  I would chant over and over that I hate her, I hate her.  And I would cry myself to sleep.

I hated being alive…

I still hate being alive…

I’ve got nothing.  I’ll never be allowed to see you — at least within the horizon.  And I don’t think you seeing me is a good thing anyway… I’m a bad example of how to live a life — My whole process is about dying, not living.  Hell, dying is the only thing I’ve ever looked forward to.  (To which I’ve ever looked forward.  Wait!  Is forward a preposition?? KIM!?!?!)

I put the word Hell in there for effect.  There is no Hell.  There is either nothing or everything.  Everyone is saved or no one is saved and if no one is saved then there is nothing.  Either way, anyone who dies is alright.

Don’t worry, I’m not dying soon, but I’m looking forward to it.

I don’t know when you’re reading this, but don’t be surprised if I’m not alive.