When your new friend is being attacked by a racially and sexually diverse assassination squad, you’re going to need to know a few tricks to turn your scanning hobby into a survival skill.
First: Always dress for scanning success. Only your left glove is required, but you’re going to need a scarf and a matching tie.
Scientology Disclaimer: Any similarity between Scanning and Scientology is completely coincidental.
The scanning process starts with a look of determination. Reach out with your feelings, Luke. This should feel like a cross between an oncoming sneeze or an embarrassing spontaneous orgasm while designing a sandwich at Subway. “Olives!!!”
“Red onions!!!”
I have personally tried this expression in public. It scares the shit out of people: That is the scanner way.
This part is called “the windup.” You lean back slightly because you want to use your back muscles to really get some telepathic leverage on their brain stems.
Close your eyes at the top of your back-swing (curl your toes).
Then… release!!! Throw your head forward and make a really pained expression.
Ranch dressing!!!
This technique may cause some confusion in your opponents.
There may be some intestinal distress.
Even the black guy will experience some discomfort.
To really pound these people, you’re going to need to do some more dancing. Start by cocking your head to the left, but keep your eyes to the right.
Now violently turn your head to the right. Think of exploding tomatoes.
If you move fast enough, your physical form will actually lose phase with the universe. Now you should be thinking about exploding Nurf balls.
Follow-through is important. Notice how Cameron Vale’s eyes are on his target.
Middle management is being downsized.
A turtle neck sweater will not keep your head from exploding, sorry.
Not tonight…
Ok, this just isn’t as funny as I thought it was going to be. Let’s skip to the finale.
As before, squint a little.
Then, squint a lot.
This time, you’re going way back. This is for the win.
Keep going…
That’s a good scanner. Lean way back.
It would be impressive that you’re still standing if you weren’t a scanner.
Hold it, hold it. Relax, don’t do it.
Throw your head forward!!
Oh!! The psychic domination!!
Holy crap! You made the fem-assassin jump off a six-foot-high platform!!
Somehow your connection to his nervous system blew this guy back 20 feet!!
Oh, it hurts.
Oh no! After-spasm.
You’ve got this.
You’ve got this.
Don’t suck my brain out.
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