My birthday is June 18. I am a Gemini.
Geminis are famous for having dual personalities. I have at least two.
My two most prominent personalities are complete opposites.
Joe seems optimistic, but optimism implies surety that things will work out because things just seem to work out. Joe isn’t optimistic, he knows the future and the future is bright, for Joe and for you.
Dickhead, on the other hand also knows the future is bright and hates that. Dickhead hates life and knows as soon as things really start rolling, his chance to dominate the body has passed. He will die.
Joe posted all that stuff in the last few days.
You may thing Joe is crazy, but Dickhead is actually the nut case.
Joe hates that we smoke, so Joe decided to stop smoking recently and everything went south. Dickhead was back.
We’re going to be 42 this year.
Dickhead started smoking before our 40th birthday because Joe, and God, wouldn’t let us kill ourselves. He’s tried, oh, he’s tried. He’s put in 4 pretty good efforts and every time someone or something has stopped the process and saved our life.
The solution was to allow Dickhead to smoke. That way, he sort of gets his way — we’re doing damage, basically killing ourselves in the future, that future that’s so bright.
After a cigarette this morning, I figured out what the deal is. We were feeling terrible two years ago, and started smoking, putting off the feeling of terribleness. Nothing was resolved. When we quit smoking, everything comes back, and Dickhead decides to try to do something stupid.
When we went homeless last September, we were out of cigarettes.
So, I have a solution. First, light one up. Second, get some counseling specifically for the suicidal thoughts. I might even be open to trying psychodrugs again.
I hate taking those drugs.
Let’s review:
Except for not being able to see my children (which is huge), my adult life has never been better.
For instance, I’m typing this on my own computer, in my own apartment, enjoying air conditioning, and listening to my towels tumble around in the dryer.
I have friends… none of them accepted my plan to move to Alaska this morning.
I have friends… who read what I’ve been writing and still decided to be my friend.
I was recently thinking that this huge ordeal since 2004 has really been a good thing. My fake friends jumped overboard at the first sign of trouble. Years later, here I am, in a new town, with new friends, none of whom have checked out.
#3 actually downloaded every article of this blog, because I warned her that I was deleting everything off the Internet, again. (I did this in 2008… she was pissed then, so that’s why I warned her this time.)
She was especially hurt when I deleted my MySpace profile back then. She found me through MySpace. I was living in Dallas and she was just poking around and came across an image of my foot. Then she saw my art. Then she left me a message. We started talking on the phone. Then she came and took me to Shawnee. I never went back.
I have to add a special mention of my friend Alan in Dallas.
In May of 2008, I was in Tulsa, about to be homeless for the third time. I had been living under a bridge, then my mentor loaned me some money (and let me know I had reached my “lifetime maximum” — what a great guy he is… “Lifetime maximum” is an insurance term. He and I worked together in the electronic healthcare claims clearinghouse business).
I had been looking for a job, but nothing was going to happen. I was definitely going to be out on my ass two days later, penniless, and hungry.
Then, all of the sudden, I get this email from Alan. I hadn’t heard from Alan in, oh, what, like 15 years.
He said I should go to Dallas and stay with him and try to find a job. He didn’t know I was about to be homeless. It was like a little birdie told him to look me up.
Alan is a man of God. He talks about building an evil empire, but that’s actually really funny considering his personality.
Alan has an awesome brother named Kim. Kim developed a little differently than most people do. He’s like a big kid. Cool guy. He loves to collect coins. He makes the rounds to the banks within walking distance of their house and the tellers sell him the cooler coins they’ve taken out of circulation.
The list of wild things that have come together to make everything in the future possible is quite long. And those are only the things of which I am aware. I’m sure many wild happenstances go completely unnoticed.
So, things are good, really.
I kicked some ass at work today. We have a happy customer.
The large website we’ve been trying to complete is due for launch next Friday and we’re going to make that deadline.
I said this morning that joeDesktop would never be completed. That was Dickhead talking. I do believe my boss disregarded that statement. I hope so, anyway.
Peace.
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