Bucket List

Here is part of my bucket list:

** Be Professional Computer Programmer (completed)

I wrote my first program in 1985 at the age of 17 for $1,000 for a little company that took inventory for grocery stores. I still have a copy of it on a 5.25″ floppy disk.

Since then, I’ve earned and wasted tons of money thanks to this->Skill(“Hello World!”);

Writing computer programs keeps me fed today.

** Be a Radio DJ (completed)

In 1986, at the age of eighteen, I was hired by KMYZ FM104.5 in Tulsa, OK. My first position was watching a reel-to-reel tape run from 6am to 7am every Sunday morning. Later, I was allowed to be on the air from 12am to 7am every Sunday morning. Eventually, I was on the air starting at 6pm on Saturday nights.

The most frightening times on the radio were when I filled in for the midday guy at 10am when there were station meetings.

When I was on at 2am, I could expect that maybe 200 people were listening. Saturday nights, maybe 5,000 people were listening. But at 10am on a weekday there were perhaps 20,000 people listening at any one time.

I got a great piece of advice when I started: When you’re sitting alone in the room, don’t try to picture yourself speaking in front of an audience, just carry on a conversation with that single listener. It helps to imagine you’re talking to your best friend.

Also good advice: Always smile when you speak on the radio. People can hear the difference. This is good to do when you’re on the phone, too.

That first morning I watched the reel-to-reel, the overnight guy got the tape started, then excused himself and went home. 10 minutes later the tape stopped. Panicked, I restarted it. Then it stopped again, and again. Eventually I figured out how to correct the tension of the tape.

** Be a Moon Astronaut (unlikely)

When I was little, my parents bought me play-a-long book which came with a record. It was the story of an astronaut training for a trip to the moon. His son and daughter trained with him. Before the flight, their father came down with a case of the measles and was unable to go. Luckily, the kids were well trained, so the head of NASA allowed them to go in his place.

What a fantastic story for little kids.

Something really great about #1: She knew I loved this book. For my birthday one year, she tracked down a copy for me. I still have it and always will.

Yes, I still love #1 and would do almost anything for her. She thinks I suck, but I don’t, much.

#1 also makes the best turkey bagel sammiches in the world. I always felt quite lucky when she surprised me with one. Turkey is the official meat of #1 — at one time, I was.

** A NOTE ABOUT SAMMICHES: When KMYZ was The Hot New Z104.5, I worked with a morning man, comedian, Scot Parkin. Holy crap, is he funny. The radio station engineered a promotion for Burger King called, “The Great Southwest Burger King Tour,” during which the morning show was broadcasted every Wednesday from a different BK. At the time, they were just starting breakfast service. They sell a Croissandwich which is actually the best thing on their whole menu. Scot refused to call it by the real name. He called it the, “Croissammich.”

Eventually the station management changed. A new boss, a great guy named Brent Alberts, was coming. Sunday morning before Brent started, Scot came in at around 2:30am, drunk, with a reggae CD and asked me to play it. I refused (we were an adult contemporary station). Scot was not happy. He yelled a bit. He also yelled at me on Monday morning before his shift. At 10am that morning, he and his partner were fired. I never heard anything more from either of them.

His partner, Bruce, once told me that I would never make it big time in radio because my sense of humor was “obtuse.”

I didn’t understand the use of the word. I thought it was only a geometry term.

Three years later, I was thinking about it, and I looked it up. I had a good laugh.

** Be a Professional Musician (will do)

I don’t want to make a living as a musician, I just want to collect at least $1 for a performance and $1 for a recording.

** Be a Professional Songwriter (will do)

I just want to collect at least $1 for a song.

** Be a Professional Composer (will do)

I just want to collect at least $1 for a composition.

** Be a Professional Writer (will do)

I just want to collect at least $1 for a work of fiction.

** Be a Prostitute (almost)

I don’t actually want to be a prostitute, but I was offered an allowance to live with a stripper I call, “Canada,” in 2008. It was really tempting. Canada is one of the sexiest women on the planet and I was going to be homeless just 3 days after the offer.

I turned her down and she was pissed.

I visited her place of business recently to apologize and explain, but she wouldn’t speak to me. In fact, she flipped me off while on her face, her little fist thrusting out from between her legs.

** Run at least one Credible Campaign for President of the United States (ABSOLUTELY WILL HAPPEN, see me in 2020)

I actually expect to run two credible campaigns. It would be an honor to get one or more of the bigger candidates to respond to my platform. I’ll run as an independent.

** Be Elected President of the United States (possible)

When I was little, they told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up.

First, I first wanted to be a moon astronaut. I dreamed about it day and night.

Then in junior high school while we were studying the Presidents, I decided I wanted that job and I wanted to do it better than anyone before. I still want to do so. I want to inspire little kids to go for it themselves.

You may think this crazy trip I’ve been on has ruined my chances, but I disagree. As a result of my journey, I’ve laid down a base of experiences that make me uniquely qualified to lead Americans. Who’s more like you: Someone who went to Yale and has led the perfect life, or someone who’s made mistakes and lived and worked with all kinds of people?

I’ve been a drug addict and got through it.

I’ve been homeless and got through it.

I’ve almost starved and got through it.

I’ve been in jail for several days on misdemeanors.

I’ve been married.

I’m a father.

I’ve been divorced.

I’ve known illegal aliens.

I’ve been a business owner and I’ve made a payroll.

I’ve spent lots of time with veterans including some with WWI guys, and then lots of others. I’ve met and discussed heroism and the sacrifices of war with them. I’ve met more than a dozen Congressional Medal of Honor recipients.

I’ve worked in a cemetery and funeral home and witnessed the loss experienced by families during the worst days of their lives. I’ve had the opportunity to comfort perfect strangers.

I’ve experienced loss myself when my mother died on my birthday in 2004. Before her death, I had to watch her degrade and slip away from us.

Cathryn Link Winett was one of the stars of this world and I’m sure she’s quite popular in the next.

I’m half Jewish and was raised a Lutheran. My views on God though are not reigned in by religious dogma, though, and I have complete tolerance for others’ opinions.

I’m a college dropout.

I’ve done all sorts of jobs.

I’m of average height.

My name is Joe.

In January, 2025, I want to start my inauguration speech by leading the country in the Pledge of Allegiance including the words, “under God.”

God bless the United States of America.