Jennifer Aniston
10 W. Groomed Circle
Whereverthehellshewants, Earth
Dear Miss Aniston,
I formerly propose that we meet an unspecified number of times to determine our compatibility, with an option to get engaged to be married at some unspecified date in some undisclosed location, possibly underwater.
I’m not perfect, but I’m an interesting guy and a really excellent choice for your husband.
I promise not to worship the ground you walk on (in public). I promise not to make a mess and to clean up after myself.
All kidding aside, you’re an attractive, successful woman who seems really nice.
Through the rest of 2010, I will post a series of videos on http://youtube.com/JoeWantsJen to make my case — enough material to deduce what I might be like in person. I will make my closing argument on New Year’s Eve.
I plan to undertake and completely document a rigorous regimen of personal improvement training in various fields. I’m considering voice, guitar, dancing, and self defense along with strenuous physical exercise.
I think this is pretty innocent and harmless, but if you call me and ask me to knock it off, I will.
There is a publicity aspect to this project, but I’m also doing it for personal reasons.
I do think it would be thrilling to meet you. I would want to meet you even if I didn’t know who you were or how successful you were. I have to admit there is a prize factor — it would be awesome to interest, meet, mesmerize, excite, marry, and benefit the most desirable woman on the planet.
I’m also hoping that by describing myself to you, and making jokes, and showing a little of how I think, that people learn to trust me and will support the projects I want to complete.
I believe I would bring intellectual property and abilities into the union that would make this not only a fair arrangement for you from a business standpoint, but a profitable and fun one.
The whole thing would make a great story. It’s sort of a reverse Cinderella story.
Prenup? Here ya go: What you bring into the marriage and all assets in your name stay with you, what I bring in stays with me, half of the assets in my name are transferred to you, we split anything held jointly; no alimony. We agree to binding arbitration on pets. Children to be decided by agreement or court order.
This prenuptial agreement will never be needed.
** BREAK TO TOMORROW **
I’m rushing to finish this early this morning and get it posted, so the tone has shifted from when I originally started writing this last night. I am actually capable of planning and writing a piece in a coherent style, but sometimes I think it’s useful to display simply how I’m thinking at the moment.
Artists are fantastic. We need art in order to communicate our feelings and educate the next generation. Almost everyone uses music to set their moods. We study books and movies for new experiences and information. We eye paintings looking for hidden meaning and feeling the images tingle in our brains.
I love art. I’ve done some art. I’ve made some music. I want to write songs. I have a great movie idea (which you can just outright have — and I will explain in a future video).
But please consider that the people who have had the most impact on the quality of human life have all been tool builders. In the 21st century, the ultimate tool builders are computer programmers.
I have ideas that will vastly improve the way we communicate.
I also have ideas for effective, electronic economies based on micro-dollars in which it would be easier for artists to make a living by accepting very small amounts of money from a large number of people. Such a system could also help children collect a little money for their education by sharing their art with the world.
I have ideas to improve just about everything I’ve ever seen. I seriously could make a career just out of helping people develop their own ideas. Well, that career starts here. By explaining to you why I’m your best choice for a husband, I’m hoping other people will recognize that I’m a pretty good guy, on the ball, full of ideas and useful information, and ready to help anyone who’s not evil. I don’t like evil. 🙂
So, I leave you with this proposal, Jennifer: Give me the rest of the year to make a case, then please meet me, like me, love me, marry me, and walk with me for the rest of our days.
** Yesterday I was asked if I’m going to spiral into depression if this doesn’t work out. Not a problem. This has already worked out — there’s always huge benefit just from an attempt at great outcomes.
When I was in elementary school, we always had a school-wide track meet on the last day of the year. We would train for it in PE class in the Spring. My PE teacher gave us a great piece of advice: When you’re standing at the long jump line, you don’t attempt to jump the distance you jumped last time, and you don’t attempt to just farther than the last kid — you attempt to jump 10 feet, 100 feet, a mile!!! You jump as hard as you can — it doesn’t matter if it’s not physically possible to reach your goal because wherever you land is surely going to be farther than if you had set your sights closer.
Also: I don’t kill bugs, but I will happily remove them from your abode. I don’t mind capturing wasps (I’ve made peace with wasps) and I happen to love spiders… especially those cute little hairy ones.
And: I don’t make pets out of bugs.
Have a pleasant day.
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