Consideration of the Words

I’m constantly evaluating and reviewing everything I think and I feel and why I thought it or felt it. And, I eventually review everything on a keyboard.

This woman now knows my website address and this address, so she might be reading what I write. This puts my “all honesty all the time” policy to the test.

That phrase reads as lofty. If you were here, you would hear me say it with some sarcasm — a hedge against it’s loftiness.

Sarcasm is quite the nice defensive verbal device. If you say something with a hint of sarcasm, it’s like sitting on the fence. The meaning could still go either way. The other party can make up their own mind about what you mean. If you don’t like what they decided, you can claim you meant the opposite.

One of my favorite sayings is “someone who doesn’t say what he means doesn’t mean what he says.” When I say it, I say it like I’m pointing the finger outward, but I realized I’ve fixated on that saying because it refers to someone like me.

I don’t lie about what I think and feel. I just don’t completely reveal (in person anyway) what’s going on.

It would make more sense to just really be completely honest, all the time.

But putting every swing of my thinking into this blog is a waste of your time.

We all have doubts and bad moments. Don’t we?

I realized this morning that I am still of the opinion that life is probably not worth the trouble. That belief is the basis of everything I think and moments of feeling to the contrary are completely cosmetic. Good feelings are just being used to ignore the bad feelings — I haven’t really changed, I’m just using good times like a drug.

Well now I feel the urge to put what I’m thinking about V in this blog. So the question is, will I put down what I’m really thinking or will it be more of a display to win her affection?

I like V, but I don’t really know much about V.

I like the letter V. It looks very cool in the font on my screen: V.

With these recent postings you might think that I’m motivated by sex. I’m not. People who know me personally will confirm that I have to be the guy least motivated by sex they’ve ever met. I don’t know anyone who’s turned down more sex than I have.

If you were here in person, I would sarcastically add that I’m hot and too many women want me. This would be my attempt to say that I don’t think I’m hot and I don’t know why so many women want me. See? More sarcasm. I’m so good at it — gifted, really.

I’ll spare you my introspection on why I’ve resisted being led around by my libido.

What made me interested in V was something in the expression on her face and in her eyes and the way she talked to me.

I can only think of one other time this has happened to me. I represent that woman as #i and have yet to write that story. The i is for imaginary, but #i is a real person who touched off an imaginary, eight hour relationship. It sounds a lot creeper than it was. Oh, don’t worry, I’m not prone to imagining such things now.

Isn’t it strange how someone who depends on the English language and bends it around and uses timing and intensionally misuses and substitutes words becomes interested in someone who is just learning English?

So, if I want V to know something about me, it looks like I’ll just have to say it straight out.

The danger is that I’ll say nothing at all.