I did last week’s post of beautiful women because I was experiencing intense girl craziness and thought putting together an article with some pictures would work that out of my system.
You may wonder why I bother to post such obvious things. Most human beings are fascinated by other human beings. Statistics say around 90% of men would rather look at a woman than at top soil, no matter how rich. 85% of men would rather look at a woman than at a steak, no matter how beefy. 30% of men would rather watch a football game, but only if they knew they could look at their girlfriend when she brought them a beer.
But my girl craziness is craziness. Sure, there’s the sex appeal. That’s innate. There’s some little green nugget in my brain hard-wired between my eyeballs, my imagination, and my penis.
But then there is baby appeal. Let’s face it, women are somewhat associated with the whole baby process.
I have twice personally witnessed a baby shooting out of a woman. It’s not just a rumor. Babies shoot out of women.
Also not a rumor: Shooting a baby out of your body is painful. To make things more fair in the labor room, they should fit fathers with an electric shock collar and give the mother-to-be a remote control.
Doctor: “Here comes another contraction. Ok, push!”
Almost Mommy: “ARRRRRGGGGG!!!!!”
Click click click
ZAAAPPP!!
Almost Daddy: “DAMMIT!!!!”
Seriously, when my son was born I witnessed a level of pain being experienced by #1 that I hope I never witness again. I’m so proud of her for living through it. I would have just willed myself to die. 🙂
But my girl craziness goes beyond sex appeal and baby making, I just think women are pretty cool. They’re so different from me in how they think. It’s fascinating to watch them work. It’s also scary. They have a way of bringing up something that happened 61 months ago and throwing it in your face. They can quote what you said, when you said it, and what you were wearing.
Face it guys, women have been practicing the social arts their whole lives. While you were blowing up little army men in your back yard and beating your brother with a stick, the girls were figuring out ways to make each other feel better, feel bad, then feel better, etc.
Then they figured out ways to make boys do what they wanted. They compared notes and came up with strategies. They can work alone or in a pack.
Yes, I did some homework for #1 in high school. I’m not ashamed. I told myself I got the better end of the bargain. That’s what she wanted me to think. I was so whipped.
Men, if you really want to get somewhere in life, you’re going to need people to help you. You’re a clumsy, insensitive oaf. You need a woman on the team.
Women smell great. The better part of the bargain with #1 was sitting next to her and her smell in class.
I’d like to hate #1 or at least deny my love for her, but that would be stupid. I don’t hate her at all. I am hurt that she thinks (or at least says under oath) that she’s afraid I’m going to kill her, but I still love her. I’m curious about what’s going on with her and with the kids and I wish her and them all the best. I even wish her husband the best. Hopefully dispatching me for another three years brings her some comfort from her imaginary terror.
While I’m at it, I love #2 as well. I think about her quite a lot. I’m still married to #2, but I’ve put aside some money to file for divorce. #2 has been living out of state for two years and I’ve had only a little contact with her by email. I did call her in July of 2008 at 7am and a guy answered. That was weird. Maybe it was her son-in-law. I didn’t ask.
I’ve never gotten along both so well and so poorly with any other person as I did with #2. For months on end we would spend nearly every second together. We could literally talk for three days without sleeping. We lived for 15 months in a hotel room and we didn’t really get on each other’s nerves.
But we did fight from time to time. My instinct when things were getting out of hand was to take a walk. Her instinct was not to let me take a walk. It got bad more than several times.
I love #3, too. She’s the kind of person that stops her car for strangers and asks them if they need a ride. She loves me, too, but we’re just not compatible as a couple. I’m sure she and I will be in touch for the rest of our lives.
This is getting off track.
Women: The female body is also a fine work of art. Some psychologist or biologist is going to say that I believe that because that little green part of my brain and that baby loving part of my brain are both keyed to respond to cues which indicate a woman’s fertility.
Let’s examine this:
Eyes
Bright eyes indicate good mental and physical health. These are good traits for a baby momma. Eyes are also very important indicators of the truth.
Lips
They say women color their lips to remind men of their doodads. I was going to make up something funny here, but I don’t think I can beat, “doodads.”
Hair
Healthy bodies make healthy hair.
Teeth
Better to eat you with.
Hips
It’s said that wide hips are a subconscious cue to men that a woman will be able to safely have children. An exaggerated waist-hip ratio can give a smaller woman the illusion of wide hips.
Tail
A woman’s tail gives her balance when she jumps.(Isn’t she cute? This image is from a site selling costumes.)
Legs
Great art stands on a good foundation.
Doodad
The whole doodad-area is a fantastic work of art.
This could go on all day.
As far as I can tell, every part of a woman’s body is a work of art and every collection of parts is even better.
Of course a woman is infinitely more valuable to the universe than just her visible parts.
So what does Rebecca De Mornay have to do with my penis?
In the name of Jennifer Aniston, why would you ask such a thing?
I’m not offended, I’m just concerned about your sanity.
Yes. Rebecca De Mornay. Human female.
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